on our exec team retreat this past week, we filled out and shared a variety of really helpful handouts. there was certainly value in my writing responses to the questions. but the greater value was in hearing the other team members share their responses. after talking about our own personal commitments (to ourselves) and what we’ve been learning and how we’ve been growing, we moved into a time of writing, then expressing, individualized commitments to one another. this was a pretty emotion-choked and vulnerable time for all of us, as you can imagine, as we spoke into what we know about each other, and what had been expressed in the first 24 hours of the retreat.

following all that, we went into a time of talking about and learning about giving and receiving feedback (especially difficult feedback). it was fantastic. but to get things going, we filled out another worksheet (my soundtrack while filling out this one: arctic monkeys).

again, in a spirit of vulnerability and accountability, here’s what i wrote:

[the header on the worksheet said: the feedback from the people around us is the best learning material we can ever have. sometimes, however, we fear the change we will experience if we remain open enough to really hear what others have to say.

what feeback do you want to hear?
i used to need to hear (or desire to hear) feedback about my stengths and skills. but our team has done such a great job of that in the past couple years i’m sensing that need subsiding. now, i want to hear how my insights or ideas have impacted people; and i want to receive feedback on changes people are observing in me.

i want to hear when people think i’m doing the things i don’t want to do — like manipulate or control or come off as arrogant.

what do you block out or not want to hear?
character accusations, and anything i would interpret as questioning my loyalty or honesty or motives.

who do you not like getting feedback from?
[i named a few people here that i struggle with getting feedback from, and why, but can’t expose that here. i also wrote…]
i don’t like feedback from people from whom i perceive there’s a hidden motive or agenda in the giving.

why have you chosen to ignore this feedback?
i tend to devalue this kind of input or feedback because i think it’s “tainted” in nature, and that, at least partially, invalidates it.

what would happen if you opened yourself up to receive it?
i would likely obsess on the mixture of partial truth and mixed motives, and vascilate between dismissiveness, passive-aggressive counter-attack, and feeling wounded (played out in self-pity). i might also get to the point where i learn something from it.