i couldn’t get to sleep last night. after paul and i (and one of paul’s friends) had a nice night out — great whole sea-bass and singapore-style noodles at a chinese restaurant, followed by a wonderful irish pub — i read in bed for a while. about 1am i started trying to sleep. didn’t work. about 2am, something very close to this monologue played in my mind. mind you, it was 2am, i was 1/3 asleep, and i’d been to a great irish pub…

“god, this week has been enjoyable, but it hasn’t been very… spiritual. i mean, i expected to sit out on the lawn of les cotils and empty my mind and find you there in that space. and i expected to get all chummy with you and feel all warm and fuzzy. instead i’ve been sick and cranky, and i can’t eat the food i want or drink the drink i want, and i haven’t had a cigar all week…

“hey, i wonder if what’s going on is more of a push from god to realize something i’ve been avoiding — not a warm and cuddly thing? maybe it’s something more along the lines of beth feeling convicted about hating her tattoo-parlor neighbors and going over to get a tattoo on her wrist, from them, that says ‘love your enemies’, and what that did for her…

“maybe all this blog crap i’m wading through this week isn’t merely a distraction (like it feels), but is something god’s trying to use as part of this week…

“yeah, maybe it’s like beth’s ‘love you… HEY! one of the first conversations i had with paul this week was about why he ended up leaving his church here in guernsey, due to a sermon he preached that vicar was really not pleased about, and the topic was “love your enemies”. [[sidebar: today, with the clarity of being fully awake, i realize that both beth’s tattoo and paul’s sermon were actually “love your neighbor” — but that was beside the point last night.]] wow. yeah, and it was in ruminating on what it means to really love our enemies that paul apparently “went too far” for some people…

“Crap…

“Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. ok. i see it, god. this is all connected, isn’t it? you know, in my heart, i really don’t want to sit in a hot tub with one of the stand to reason guys or have dinner with the a-team blog guy. but i’m feeling obligated. and obligation is a really lousy excuse for christian motivation. i’m supposed to love. argh — it’s so much easier to sit back and acuse them of not loving than it is for me to actually love…

“crap…

“ok, if you can help me to love ron luce, which you sure did, well, then…

[[final plea: i’m posting this as a confession. please do not post comments asking me to explain my theology of this point or that point, and telling me i’m sounding this way or that way.]]