those wonderful hospital charts

the hospital dietary staff harped and harped about how important it was that i eat low-fat. the doctor told me i should eat a liquid diet for a couple days, then move to soft food only (foods you don’t have to chew). she said i was going to get a soft-food lunch (it was 3pm) to see how my pancreas would respond.

it was a chicken caesar salad, complete with croutons.

the dietary staff harped some more about lo-fat. they promised i would have a chance to pick my food, as to be sure. but dinner arrived, and i was told it was a lo-fat dinner.

it was roast beef with gravy.

the nurse told me i could leave and go home. i asked about my fever, and if she could give me something for that. she left to get my tylenol. she came back to inform me that it wasn’t on the doctor’s orders, so she couldn’t give me tylenol. i was standing, with my bag packed, ready to walk out, and sacrastically said, “so, you can give me a full milligram of that extremely intense intervenous pain killer, but you can’t give me over-the-counter aspirin?”

she didn’t catch the sarcasm, and responded, “yes, i can give you the pain killer — do you want that?”

that said, i laughed at this list of “actual” things written on hospital charts, sent to me by my friend bob, while i was in the hospital:

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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